Back to the gnomes

solar-garden-gnomeMonday morning:

“Er.  It’s about your carpet.”

“Oh good, it’s arrived.”

“No.  I’d not go so far as to say that.  I’ve rung t’company and its not on their system see.  In fact they don’t know owt about it.”

“And…”  I didn’t realise that telepathy was an essential requirement in purchasing a carpet..silly me.

“It won’t be delivered today.” The gnome from Gnomical Carpets smiled at me down the phone.

“When might it be delivered?”

“Can’t really say. Thing is, it’ll be coming from abroad.”

“So when might it be delivered?” I repeated as the full horror of what he was saying dawned on me in glorious cliched technicolour. “We wouldn’t have chosen the carpet if you hadn’t said that it was always available and could be fitted within two weeks.”

“Aye, well, I didn’t know about the wider width not being available. Nor about it coming from abroad.”

“Before Christmas?”

“Er…probably not.  Still it’ll be nice for the New Year.”

At which point I may have gone off the deep end, swum an entire length, got out of the pool and gone off the deep end again.”  All of which was better than HWIOO who was painting the skirting board whilst veering between suggesting we take our custom elsewhere and appearing in a puff of black smoke in the carpet showroom in order to emote more effectively.

Tuesday am:


HWIOO covered the mouthpiece and hissed, “Its the chief carpet gnome.”

He listened to the voice at the other end of the line whilst I sighed loudly and hissed, “What now?”

 “Right I see…Thursday… No problem.”

“What was that?” I asked when he returned the phone to its cradle. “The day that the maidens begin to warp and weft? Or the day when the carrier pigeon or whatever gnomes use – this lot probably use sloths- finally takes the order abroad?”

“No.  The day the carpet arrives and is fitted.”


“Turns out that abroad is Birmingham.”


“Well,” HWIOO shrugged, “It is the Midlands.”





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