We have purchased tiles for the bathroom – 650 neat rectangular tiles with bevelled edges. And we have sourced the cupboard doors for the bathroom as well. All that HWIOO has to do is build the cupboards and tile the walls. Simples.
I spent most of yesterday preparing the chimneybreast in the master bedroom for a coat of paint. We purchased a product that was apparently so simple it inferred that a child could use it. Unfortunately I hadn’t thought to bring one of the Little Madams with me so spent the better part of four hours on just one small task. The product is supposed to roll on like paint but produce a level plaster finish. All you have to do is dunk the special roller in the pot, roll it on the surface to be levelled like paint and then use something that looks remarkably like a window or shower wiper blade to produce a lovely surface. The roll on was not like paint – it was like runny artex. The artistic blade swipe to produce a thin film was not without its pitfalls either. For example, if you hold the blade at the wrong angle the plaster mix travels straight down your arm at an alarming speed for something that’s supposed to cling to walls until it sets.
And that was before microscopic specks of old plaster started to come off. Yes, I know that I needed a clean dry surface upon which to apply the product. That’s what I thought I started with- but apparently no one told the chimney. Let me assure you that microscopic specks do not assist a smooth finish – what they do is gouge lines in the surface that you have carefully prepared and then you have to spend the next half an hour getting them out of the mix so that you can start all over again. However, it is done and ready for its first coat of paint. I’ve crossed the job off my list.
Consequentially we are at that stage in proceedings when things are proceeding just not as fast as we would like on account of the preparation taking longer than my imagination really wanted to allocate in terms of time. In my head I can see my finished art deco bathroom and my cottage bedroom. Actually, in my head I can see what the entire cottage looks like and trust me, it doesn’t involve twenty rubble sacks in the living room (yup- that’s right we haven’t been back to the tip yet) and a front door you need to take a flying leap at if its been raining.
The problems are distance, age and CFS. None of them is negotiable. What I need is more time, access to a tardis, the ability to travel anywhere instantly or what we really need is our friend Eddie.
When we renovated our last house Eddie was our fairy godmother –or should that be godfather. Show Eddie a pile of wood and nails and he would produce a stud wall where before there was none. Show Eddie a bedroom floor with a hole in it and he would put down new boards. Point out the rotten floor joists caused by the bath sitting on the pile of concrete plumbed in with hosepipe and newspaper then Eddie would issue soothing words, tell us what to get and low and behold given time all would be made well. He introduced us to plumbers and electricians and he magicked up a kitchen. He even fitted the doors with the handles of my choice – think the Zorro slash or Harry Potter zigzag scar. They looked really cool. It just turned out that the fixings didn’t line up on account of the Harry Potter zigzag. Even more importantly he knew the location of a really good chinese takeaway. Then he moved – to the Antipodes… I don’t think it was the handles that did it.
Actually, come to think of it, the plumber headed south to a warmer climate as well.
So Eddie, if you’re reading this –and yes, I have changed names to protect the innocent and guilty alike- we miss you very much, are on the lookout for a decent takeaway and I’ve been told to choose easy to fit handles for the bathroom and kitchen cupboards.